Did I ever imagine that not having my father in my life would have such a huge impact on me? Truthfully, I didn’t. I never carried any resentment, anger, or bitterness. At least not on the surface. I told myself he never did any real damage to me to make me dislike him...to hate him.. little did I know that I was lying to myself to cover up the pain of his absence. Why wasn’t he there? Why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t he clean himself up? Why didn’t he love me? Was I not worthy? Did I not deserve it? Did he not want me? The truth, is what I ran from. The pain of that being true, I never wanted to feel that. But today.. it was brought to the light. And now, at 23 years old, I see the damage it has done.

I am a hopeless romantic. I desire to be loved, to be held, to be embraced, to be chased, to be treasured, to belong. You may think don’t all females want that? Of course. But I believe the root of my desires come from the lack of having that growing up. My dad wasn’t there to BE all of that for me first, so I sought for it hopelessly... thinking there must be a man out there that will want me...that will love me. From my past relationship experience, I often times found myself asking how different would my life be if my dad had been around? If he had been there to love me first? To SHOW me how I am supposed to be loved? To protect me? Why do I have to search so HOPELESSLY for it?

These desires I searched healing from for years. I never had a true example to look up to in my family or in anyone around me. I feared for what or who I would end up with. I didn’t want to end up alone. I didn’t want broken marriages. I wanted TRUE love. And I only found that when I found God. He showed me FIRST how I am to be loved. He embraced me—He holds me in His arms. He cries out for me. He treasures me. He says I BELONG to Him, that I am His and there is no other confirmation I need from this world. There is no other being that can show me a greater love than His. His love is PERFECT and I see the gifts of loving His way. I now have Godly examples of what His love manifested is supposed to look like. And that is the only kind of love I want. He says I am worthy and deserving and if God loves me, He will forever be all that I need.

And so if you want that kind of love, just search His word for it. It took for me to know God to know my worth. To know the thoughts He has about me brought me to believe them for myself. He poured out His Spirit because He loved me so much and He is passionate to see that the Spirit He placed in me be faithful to Him. Therefore, I am committed to Him—heart, mind, body, soul. With all the strength I have, I give Him all of me. I trust Him enough to know that He will send the right person at the right time. No longer am I searching hopelessly, yet I am waiting patiently for him, whoever he may be, to find me—“He who finds a [true and faithful] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor and approval from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 (AMP)). In the meantime, I am embracing my singleness and giving all that I have to God.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” - John 3:16 (KJV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster. to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - ! Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

“Do you think the Scriptures have no meaning? They say that God is passionate that the sprit He has placed within us should be faithful to Him.” - James 4:5 (NLT)

“I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.” - 1 Corinthians 7:35 (NLT)